i've been trying for conversations and i've been trying for prayer and i've been trying to find the words but i think i've lost them somewhere and i've been searching in every place but every place has failed me and words just don't work for me anymore and it hardened my heart and removed my emotions and i've refused to look you in the eye and refused to let you in out of fear that my emotions would be too much to handle but you've been trying to teaching me not to fear and just to trust and to let it out and to let it go but it's taken this long for me to let you teach me and so far all i know is that you've taught me it's okay to cry and i'm not even going to pretend that picking up myself and straightening my clothes and wiping away my tears will make everything be okay because i can't pretend that there's some sort of answer to this sort of question and it's like i'm at a dead end and i only want to go forward but there's a not-so-imaginary wall that i'm about to stumble into and i have no option but to take myself and all my needs and wants and wishes and desires and go back to the start.
coldplay lyrics would be fitting today wouldn't they?
my head hurts. i've had a crazy headache for the last couple days and i'm just over tired and dizzy. i can't find my diary under the masses of junk in my bedroom as a result of coming home last night and chucking all my bags and everything from my bed on the floor and collapsing in bed. it's annoying, i didn't realize i relied on it so much.
i really like these pictures of Cory.
and this is because i'm bored and extremely talented at procrastinating..
4 things I did today: it's only 11 am but i have -woken up to Nates birthday invitation. -make alterations on two dresses i bought from an op shop yesterday. -received the silliest relationship advice ever heard from my mother. -experienced mewithoutYou (listening to them is an experience that includes listening, dancing, singing- and i bit of shouting- and a whole lot of inspiration)
..that reminded me i need to eat breakfast.
4 things on my to do list today: -cancel booking for my birthday at Soho and confirm numbers and make booking at Nautilus. -study for my history exam. -make skirt from the lace fabric i bought the other day. -decide on a dress to wear to Amandas wedding. 4 of my guiltiest pleasures: -wasting my time on the internet instead of studying. -eating mi goreng noodles. in bulk ..so terribly bad for me. -the vintage 'come to papa' chair we bought for the flat the other day. it's so comfortable i will race you to it and kill you if you get there first. -dreaming of how things could be and ignoring the fact that some things just can't happen. 4 random facts about me: -i have 8 pillows and cushions on my bed and can't sleep properly without them.
-i love history. it's my favorite subject after sewing and i would come to school just for history this year when most people wagged that period. -i love Michael Jackson. i still listen to the record i have from when he was black. -i love to wear heels. although my boyfriend wishes i wore nike air force ones haha.
the words of a guest speaker at the fashion show on tuesday night. i wish i had photos from it to share some of the wonderful collections! namely Liz's.
it's been so hot lately and i've been eating strawberries and wearing shorts all week..today's the first day it's clouded over. i love summer and i don't even have to say "i can't wait for summer holidays" anymore, cause i finished school yesterday and i'm freeeeeeee!!! (except exams, but that's a breeze, i've already passed the year)
i wish i could dress in Rachel Comey for summer
oh and, i died my hair back to dark brown.
i'm so excited for this weekend- Thursday night: road trip to Auckland with Tim, Tiff, and Josh for a show at Coast Primal, Friday night: Robbies leaving drinks in Hamilton, Saturday night: Amanda's hens night in Hamilton!
after my only full day of school this week, hanging out with J and three of her crazy crazy 10 year old boys and a night of waitressing(a job which i intended to quit last night, but somehow ended up being rostered on to work tonight as well) i showed my face at Gems show, went for coffee and ice cream with the girls before leaving town to hang with Tim. i'm so tired. and so, sew is what i decided to do with my saturday:
(from Oct issue of NYLON)
Skipping beats, Blushing cheeks. I am... struggling.. Daydreaming, Bed scenes in... the corner cafe. And then I'm left in bits recovering tectonic... tremblings. You get me every time. Oh, why'd ya have to be so cute? It's impossible to ignore you, Must you make me laugh so much? It's bad enough we get along so well.. Say goodnight and go. Why's it always always: goodnight and go? Oh, Darling not again, Goodnight and... go...
today is one month until my birthday, and i have no idea how we got here. i have no idea where this year has gone and ever since i realized that we're in November, and that next month is not just my birthday but it's Christmas and New Years. and the years disappeared and we're starting again in 2009, i've been in a constant state of freak-out (i know that's not a word but i can't think of anything to describe how stumped this has made me). i swear i looked at the calendar in July and all it took was a blink to get to November. now i have 4 days of school left and three exams to go until summer.
maybe i was freaking out because i thought i've wasted this year, but thinking back on it this has been the busiest and best year of my life. me and frances spent class yesterday reflecting on all the good and fun things that have happened to us this year. i will elaborate:
- firstly, starting the year at camp, with worship bang on the changing of the years
- summer's DREAM TEAM and trips to the batch and the lake house
- becoming a leader at Primal
- going overseas! (the definite highlight of the whole year) getting to go to England, Wales, France, Australia and Thailand.
- seeing my Grandma for the first time since i was about 10 and my dad for the first time in a year
- preaching for the first time at Primal and taking Underground for the first time
- getting to see Rachel get married (your turn soon Amanda!)
- entering fashion shows and winning and overlocker from it!!
- being involved with Invisible Children, putting on successful events
- going to my first ball!
- going to WOW awards in Wellington (funest school trip of my life!)
- got my first tattoo (it's true that nothing can separate me from the love of God- i have it written on me for life! haha)
- passing Level 2 NCEA before the year has even finished
- and i can say safely that there has been road trips for at least every third weekend for this year. it has been so much fun, and there are still more to come before the year is out.
this year has been the first year when i have been completely solid and sold out for God. the places he has taken me have already been beyond what i would have thought. through ups and downs his love really has sustained me. at the beginning of the year this was the scripture God gave me for 08:
Exodus 34:10-11: The Lord replied, "All right, this is the covenant I am going to make with you. I will perform wonders that have never been done before anywhere in all the earth or in any nation. And all the people around you will see the power of the Lord- the awesome power I will display through you. Your responsibility is to obey all the commands I am giving you today. Then I will surely drive out all those who stand in your way"
this has been fulfilled in some ways, but i don't believe it has been to any extent of which it was first meant. i'm really craving that fire which i had for the first half of the year, i'm really longing to be head over heels again. i just don't know how to do it.
and although i lost the girl who was my best friend this year, i have grown from this and not only restored old friendships but built new ones and now i have to say i am so blessed to know the people i do and the people who i am privileged enough to spend my time and share lives ups and downs with are hands down the most amazing people i have ever met. i couldn't see my self without J in my life- our friendship is so special and the way the puzzle pieces of our lives and characteristic fit together is beyond my understanding.
and although i spent at least 6 months of this year holding on to the idea of a certain boy and trying to make things work(which in no way do i regret, the things i learnt from this are priceless), i finally let go and now i have the most amazing boyfriend, who is my friend and my boy. that's the way i always wanted it to be. this came so unexpectedly and it truly does rest on the advice i've so often given others, that you only find someone when you stop looking. i'm so lucky to have Tim.
and mention should also go to Mike. he has officially been my longest friend and has stuck by me through all the ups and all the downs and supported me in everything even when he has disagreed with my choices, stuck with me in every silly phase i've been through. and without being cheesy, i actually don't know where we'd be without each other.
everything in this year has been amazing. i still don't know where it's gone, and i'm not even going to say i'm looking forward to 09, i'd prefer to stay where we are thanks.