Saturday, January 31, 2009

weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.

this is a positive post about all things happy because it's a new day and the sun has been shining and because psalm 30:5 promises joy in the morning :)

today i slept until 12(much needed) and then spent the afternoon with my longest and dearest friend who i have seen a disappointingly lack of lately. we had a picnic under a huge oak tree and it was so great to catch up with him.
things that make me happy:
- wild flowers! especially daisys. wearing them in my hair.
- pretty photographs. photos hold a lot of power and i love that they can stop time and hold memories, and the beauty that can be captured in a single frame blows me away.
- new stationary, which i got yesterday! 
- and pretty new lingerie, which i also got yesterday!
- sunny days. this should be at the top of the list..summer days when the sun is shining and i can spend my time outside puts me in such a good mood it's almost magical.
- pretty summer dresses
- green tea and dark chocolate
- finding good music. and by good i mean the kind that has lyrics that are utterly genius, and a sound that blows your mind into little pieces with every note. like mewithoutYou..they make me happy.
- so does Bradley Hathaway. 
- painting my nails!
- my friends. wow. if i didn't have my girls(and boys) i don't think happiness would even exist in my life.
- op shop bargains! like i also got yesterday :)
- when people ask me if i'm wearing fake eyelashes.
- making wouldn't work without them.
photos by Derek Henderson, spread from RUSSH.

it will not fall apart.

i've been so busy lately. parachute took up my weekend and then year 13 camp took up my it's the weekend and i'm planning on relaxing because i go back to school on wednesday next week..still debating whether that is good or bad news, but camp was fun and i'm pretty keen to get back into it because it means two periods of sewing a day and fun fashion shows to work towards!
and in other news..i got another job! it's at a clothing store. and the car i was meant to get isn't exactly what i wanted so 'm in the process of looking for another one. i found the cutest old baby blue car today which i'm totally keen on calling mine soon..but lets see how it goes.

it's ironic that this post seems positive when the only way to describe the state i'm in right now is fucked over. i feel completely and utterly fucked over. and the worst thing is that i knew this was coming. my family and friends(and star sign, apparently) say i have the ability to see the positive aspect in every situation but right now i'm a little stuck. stuck and torn. so so torn about what to do. i feel like i'm in a completely lose-lose situation. and back to talking about risks, i'm not sure which alternative is worth the risk because which ever way i go i'm putting myself on the line.

that's what i'm trying to convince myself..that no matter how crap my situation is, no matter how much i put on the line, and how much i lose, how much is ripped out of my control, no matter how far gone i am, how deep in i am..that the world will not fall apart.
and i do apologize for the amount of depressing posts lately but this is how i get it out of my system. if not for this space to release my emotion, i would not have realized that you are not my world, you can never be my world, and that when i let you go, my world will not fall apart. this is bigger than you and me, there's something greater holding this together.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

"the only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open."

i risked having those wounds for you. i took the chance of being cut open and completely broken on you. and my willingness to risk it all on you grows stronger and stronger and weaker and weaker at the same time.
 and the fulfillment, yes, i have felt it, i have felt your happiness and our wise friend Chuck Palahnuik has proven his point..i've risked myself to find that feeling but now it's coming and it's going and i'm wondering if next time it goes it'll be gone for good. 
if only Palahnuik would reveal the secret of the next step for those taking his advice, if only he'd whisper in my ear and tell me true happiness is allowed to be a wavering feeling..because i'm not sure this is what true happiness feels like, and now i'm wondering if you were worth the risk.

photos from here.

oh so.

i saw Bradley Hathaway perform last night and the mixture of oh so genius poetry, oh so delicate singing and oh so charming wit made me want to spin in circles(and maybe declare my undying love). there was a lot of good new australian talent and of course all the friends and locals, but Bradley tops the list of new discoveries this weekend.

They say that 
"Sometimes you're further than the moon
and Sometimes closer than my skin."


I remember when you were closer than my skin.
Those were the evenings spent alone with you in bliss.
Those were the mornings you awoke me with a gentle kiss.

And these are the evenings I sit alone and wish and reminisce.
These are the mornings when I wake to an alarm clock after falling asleep
with the hurting thought
"Why have you forsaken me?"

Thursday, January 22, 2009

it's that time again!

say hello to a weekend of music, friends, heat, and all round good times.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

good news.

this seems to be the week for it!

yesterday i went job hunting. and i already have three interviews :) 
two are tomorrow. eeeeeeeek. i hate interviews. i hope they go okay... and that i get one of the jobs. i think i will, i have a really good feeling about this :) and i love that within half an hour of dropping my CV in i already had two calls to set up interviews. 
also, on monday i found out i'm getting a car. finally. next week i will have my own set of wheels! 
and i received my exam result from last year and passed NCEA2 with merit :)
and my boys band got added to Select Live this week too. it's a TV show where you vote to have their music video played. (S135 to 4440 if you're from NZ and want to be a darling and help a friend out) 
good news all round!

and now, i'm going to the beach :)

by elias tahan.

Monday, January 19, 2009

hello heartache;

i can hear you and you're screaming heartbreak.

you're following me and with every step you gain i get closer to falling into your arms. you're captivating me, taking me hostage, i'm becoming a slave to your tricks. 

keep telling yourself that. keep telling yourself they're tricks. 

so i'm running, running away from you. i'm hiding my face and i'm hiding my rationality behind my emotions because i've caught a glimpse of you and i don't like what you look like.

keep telling yourself that. keep telling yourself you can hide from it.

because the songs are saying it, and the photographs are capturing it. the books, the films, they're all telling the story. the story of heartbreak...and the happy ending.

keep telling yourself that. keep telling yourself there's a happy ending.

stop it. stop it. stop it. i don't want to hear you.

just  shh.

please, shh.

summer lovin'

i've said it before and i will say it again; i love love love summer.
is there anything better?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

and so the lion fell in love with the lamb.

"what a stupid lamb."
"what a sick, masochistic lion."

last night i saw Twilight. i loved it. i also love Kristen Stewart who plays Bella. i first saw her in her appearance in Into The Wild. she kind of reminds me of Ally Sheedy when she was younger, and in some photos i see a more grown-up hint of Ellen Page. both good things of course.
the whole cast:
Kristen and Rob Pattinson(Edward Cullen)
(photos from Vanity Fair.)

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Friday, January 9, 2009

oh, freedom.

the past week i have been here..whangamata, tairoa, hot water beach, hahei, sailors grave, cooks beach, cathedral cove, whitianga, whangapoa, matarangi, coromandel, paunui.. we visited all the beaches at these places, plus a whole lot of waterholes. hopping between batches and sleeping on beaches in between; this week has been one of the best yet. heres some snapshots of  our trip and my beautiful country:

what a wonderful road trip. it's the best feeling being free with no commitments and just having time to waste .

Friday, January 2, 2009

everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.

with you everything is perfect, everything falls into place and nothing matters but being there, one hundred percent, with you, present, engaged and alive. because you bring out the best in me and you don't only make me feel beautiful and worthy, but you make me believe that i am beautiful and worthy; with you i am happy with who i am.

i haven't blogged in a while, i've been away camping for new years. it was so much fun. 
and on that note; it's 2009.
i'm scared of this year disappearing as quickly as '08 did. i'm not sure what to expect of it, but i definitely don't want to waste it. time is the one thing that really is constant in this world, something i have no power over whatsoever; i can't speed it up and i can't slow it down, i can't go back in time to change the past. the only power i hold is in how i live in every second, every minute, hour, day, week, every year that i am presented with. and presented with 2009 i have decided to go back to school and do 7th form, to commit my time to doing all i can as a leader in my church, and in my school. i aspire to spend more time with people i don't know, and to be an inspiring and encouraging person to be around. i want each moment of time i have to be filled with joy and adventures. this year, i will embrace spontaneity.